The Emotional Rollercoaster of a G-Tube Fed Baby: Part 2

When beginning my journey to create meals for my daughter, I was overwhelmed with all the options. I was also overwhelmed with accepting the fact that my girl won’t taste her food – in a lot of ways, that’s amazing. But there’s also no reason to give her the joy of ice cream. I don’t need to make her French toast or give her juice with her veggies so it goes down easier. She doesn’t taste it. So, I first had to realize that – it never gets easier, by the way. Just because I began the process doesn’t mean I never cry over the fact I can’t feed my girl ice cream (not today, anyway!). I do take advantage of every opportunity to practice oral feeding with her, but it’s still not the same. It never will be.

Some days are easy when it comes to making her food – I don’t even think about it. Days are so busy, I simply push the syringe, make the food, repeat. Some days – especially around days I see other children eating real food through their mouth, I struggle with every syringe. I struggle with every ingredient that goes in the blender. I just want to feed my girl – or should I say, I just want to feed my girl with a bowl and a spoon.

On the days that are hard, that’s when I’m most creative. I sit here with my yogurt, strawberries, and nuts and I just wish I could feed her some yogurt with strawberries too. So, that day I create a recipe called “Mama’s Breakfast”. I make her food that’s just like mine. It just helps a little bit with my tears – it makes me smile just a little bit. I can sit by her, let her practice swallowing with plain yogurt in our therapy, and feed her Mamas Breakfast – even if it’s through a tube.

Other things I do are make meals for her that I can stomach making. It took me months to finally feed her meat. It is gross to blend meat – that’s just the only way to say it. So, I do it in ways I can “stomach” it. I make recipes like “Chicken Salad” where I put some canned chicken, bread, celery, and avocado oil (I pretend that’s mayonnaise) and make that a lunch recipe. I give her salmon and green beans – I cook it like I would my own. I feed her a “Big Girl Dinner” so that one day she’ll see the label and know that she is a big girl eating big girl food!

Other ways I cope are feeding her what I always imagined feeding my child – like oatmeal and peanut butter. Or having a treat day where she gets a chocolate shake and a mixed fruit cup.

The good days though, that’s when I struggle with guilt. I see other mothers struggling to feed their child enough because they are picky, or they just don’t like anything but purees. I see them weighing their child every day because they’re scared their baby isn’t gaining weight. Figuring out how to transition from purees to whole food. Balancing with fruit and vegetable intake. Taking an hour to feed their child then clean up. I sit there, feeding my child with a tube – it’s easier in that sense. I know exactly what she’s getting every day, I can even measure her water intake. I tend to forget what’s hard about it when I’m feeling guilty though – that’s the devil for you. He makes everything a reason to feel guilty if you let him! I get so used to coping mechanisms, I forget why I have been forced to cope to begin with.

Having a child with a g-tube is a stressful, emotional roller coaster. I’ve learned so much about myself through this process. I’ve learned about other parents through this process. I judge less, I am more creative, and I have much more compassion than I used to. Feeding my child with a bowl and a spoon is something I dream of – and every time I do feeding therapy with her, I have hope that one day maybe I’ll feed her ice cream, or I’ll eat oatmeal and peanut butter with her by my side, eating the same thing. But today, I’m coping – I’m coping with the fact that my baby is fed through a tube.