Medical PTSD: An Example of What It Looks like in Real Life

Three or four years ago, I would’ve walked the halls of a hospital ICU to visit someone. I was disconnected, I looked at the doctors as strangers, and I didn’t know what any of the monitor numbers meant. The smells didn’t bring back any memories – the alarms were simply annoying. I’d go along with my day, and sleep blissfully with no nightmares. 

Today, it’s a different story. The walls reek of memories. The alarms send a shiver down my spine. The way doctors feet squeak on the floor make me think “Oh no, what test result has come back?” or “Please give me strength to have this conversation” I know what each signal means, my eyes look at the O2 numbers every 2 minutes. The smell of my baby – it’s the same smell it was when I didn’t know if she’d survive. The smell of the IV saline and alcohol wipes, the whistle of the tram as it glides through the medical center – it all brings me to another time, another place. A place I thought I’d never escape from, a place my body remembers very well.

The Body Remembers

In the book “The Body keeps a score” it explains how the body remembers certain traumatic events in life. Your mind may not logically keep track of times and places during trauma, but your body’s response is stored – a smell, sound, or even a word can trigger your body into thinking you are back where you once were. Typically, people associate PTSD with veterans – a simple loud bang can put a veteran back in the war zone. It can take years, if ever, to heal the memories and trauma of the sound of bullets ringing in their ears. Post traumatic stress disorder, however, can take effect with many other traumas – such as abuse – or medical trauma.

A couple days ago, my daughter was admitted to the same ICU she was when she was nine weeks old. At nine weeks, we didn’t know what was wrong with her – we didn’t know if she’d live or die. We didn’t know what our future would be like, and I personally didn’t know how I’d survive. We did though, by God’s abundant grace and mercy. We have done more than survive, we have thrived. God has blessed us with the most amazingly strong daughter – one who teaches us more and more each day.

Yet, my body remembers. I feel the yellow band on my wrist, I tell the security what room she’s in. I wave my hand to open the doors – and here I am, I’m back. My body remembers, and I return. 

It’s hard to explain being triggered, but I think every single one of us has felt it one way or another. I’ll try to explain what happens to me so that it can help you fight through yours, or it can support you in your knowledge to love others better. 

Sensations

My heart races – not heart pumping out of my chest – but it simply beats faster. My eyes work faster than normal, I can jump from this number to that in less than a second, and my mind registers it all at once. My hands shake, but I don’t notice, since the adrenaline is rushing through me. My mind keeps thinking ‘my baby girl is dying’ when my baby girl is fine. I’m scared to leave my husband’s side, because I feel as though we only have seconds together every day. Each time a doctor comes in, my defenses rise and my mama bear comes out – as if they’ll bring bad news, or tell me I can’t hold my girl. My legs feel swollen – my calves are cramping. My ankles are sore from the walk every day. Yet my mind is telling my body – “You’ve only been here a day” when it thinks we’ve been here two months. It thinks we’re back – we’re back in January 2023. I was trying to picture my present home, but I couldn’t remember what it looked like. I didn’t even remember where I lived. Most likely because when we were first here, we were away from home and didn’t step foot in our own bedroom for 3 months. 

Coping

I’m writing this in order to cope. I can’t explain every detail, but for some reason sharing it tends to help me personally. This is the first time I’ve felt this in two years, so I’m struggling, but here are a few things that are helping me right now. 

Finding Something that’s New

Medical trauma is intense because in a hospital, you can’t escape. We’re the type of parents that stay here 24/7, and that can wear on the body and mind. However, taking time to go home – the home that’s new, it isn’t related to our trauma 2 years ago, can remind the body that we are safe – we are OK. Anything you can think of that isn’t related to the original trauma can help place your body and mind back in the present. 

Remember the Little Things

Having my cup of coffee in the morning, playing that ipad game that I love, reading my bible every morning – these are all little things that keep me in the present. They keep my mind from shutting down. Find those things for you – don’t let your mind shut down. 

Remember the Battle is Already Won

The devil wants to keep me here in the past – He wants me to be petrified. However, he lost the game! He thought he’d take us down two years ago, and God prevailed (as always!). I am not a captive of my mind, the Lord is the one holding me safe. Yes, He created these feelings – He made our bodies remember – and these feelings bring us back to HIM! Without fear, I would never run to Him. Without trials, I would never long for heaven. 

PTSD is a scary term, yes, and it affects a lot of people. Yet its a reason a lot of people turn to medication after medication – which in the end, can sometimes make the battle worse. I am on medication, but the thing that helps me most is reminding myself who has won, and who has power over my mind. He is the real source of strength, and He is the one who can heal every wound. 

You’re not alone – you’re never alone. Don’t let medical trauma rule your life – let Him take over instead.