A Poem of Acceptance

I watched the video 

I saw who you used to be

Your little dimples,

Your little squeaks

Your eyes they wondered –

Your little hands grasped mine

A while ago it kept me alive

I laid in bed,

Replaying again and again 

Praying you’d keep breathing

Praying I’d have you back again

I watched it again

A little while later

It hurts,

I could hardly press play

There’s nothing in your neck,

Your tummy is free of G-tubes

Your foot doesn’t have a wire –

Your voice is oh so clear

Oh my baby what’s happened to you

Why did you ever deserve this life?

I close my phone and wait until a new day

I ignore the past

I press on one more time 

Hoping I can press play again 

I saw it again –

Showing her off to someone else

The little children wonder at her

They’re amazed at how far she’s come

I glance at who she used to be 

I feel pride 

Yet I still feel a tinge of pain

I wish I could go back

Treasure a few more moments of her voice 

Feel a few seconds of her latch

I close the book,

I hug it tight

Maybe one day, I say

I can see the past

A few moments ago,

I watched the same video 

Her eyes sparkled

Her little dimples reminded me of today

I saw her sass,

Even at such a young age

I saw it today too –

Just not on a screen

I smiled –

For the first time I broke in laughter

My sweet girl

She was so young!

She’s the same girl, 

She hasn’t changed a bit

I didn’t know I’d get this far 

I couldn’t imagine watching 

and not shedding one single tear

I couldn’t imagine not seeing

all the parts that have changed 

I didn’t see her neck,

I didn’t hear her voice change 

I simply saw my love 

I saw my tender girl 

Today

I reached the goal

I saw everything in my girl,

And realized it’s all the same. 

@drmomsblog

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♬ original sound – Dr. Mom