“NonWordy” (nonverbal) People: How Can we Fit in their Box?

Before Paige, the term nonverbal to me sounded almost like an excuse (prepare yourself to see how immature, judgmental, and ignorant I was before I entered the world of special needs) It sounded like an excuse for an ill behaved child – parents who didn’t do enough, and allowed their child to sit and scream. “In my home I won’t have that” I said to myself. And I moved along in my own little bubble, thinking my worldview and perspective was correct in every way. I had no idea what autism was or learning difficulties. In all honesty, I had no clue what neuro-divergent children really were. I was in my bubble. 

This bubble is one of the reasons I chose to start sharing. “Dr Mom” is not to become popular or bring attention to myself. It is to try and bridge a gap – a gap that I needed to walk across, but I was too ignorant to do so.

The term “Nonverbal” is one of these issues. We label, we move on, and we have no interest in even trying to communicate. We watch the mom but even then, we may be tempted to say things like “She’s just enabling” or “Well if she just said be quiet he would stop!”. You see this everywhere – with tourette syndrome, Asperger’s, autism, neuro-disorders – children and their parents are put in this little box, and understanding is extremely hard to receive unless you’re in the box with them. 

I am still ignorant in many ways, yet Paige has taught me a lot. And my sweet nurse, with her own autistic son, has taught me so many things – yet I know she wouldn’t write this herself! 

Here’s a few tips to help understand communication with nonverbal children…. I hope it helps us get out of our bubble, and perhaps merge the little boxes we’ve created. 

What does nonverbal even mean?

Nonverbal is a funny way to put it, because in all reality our kiddos tend to be even more verbal at times. I’d like to put it “non-wordy”. I know, I know, that’s not even a word, but for our emotional sakes it’ll help. Children who are categorized as “nonverbal” are those who do not use words for communication. Or, they may just have ten words to pick from. Your child may say “My tummy hurts so I can’t clean my room” or “I don’t want to go” – you may use their tone in order to understand what they mean by that. A non-wordy child may simply say “No” in connection with a pretty loud noise or moan – and the noise will indicate to you what they mean. Noise, hand movements, and expression are their ways to communicate. Words are just too detailed, mom!

There are obviously more reasons than I know for these things. Nerve pathways are how we know how to understand people speaking, then interpret it in our own head, and come up with a response. We also use how our body feels and our emotions to impact what words we use. Like “I’m fine” is really a lie, most of the time, and we usually determine by expression and tone how they actually are feeling. Nonverbal kids to me are the most honest of us… 

How to Communicate with “Nonwordy” Kiddos or Adults

Again, I only have my 2.5 toddler with a trach as experience and what I’ve learned from all my autistic mom friends, so bear with me! 

If you were to pay attention to your body movements, expressions, and noises you’d WANT to make if it was “socially acceptable” how would you ask for food? How would you say you’re in pain? How would you express anger? How would you express anxiety or fear?

I would moan or yell, I’m guessing. Maybe even hit the fridge a few times to get your attention! I need food! What about anxiety or fear? I may hide from you – I may close the door and be so afraid I’m cuddling in my closet. What about too many people? I wouldn’t even let you take me in. I don’t know how to handle that situation!

Nonwordy – I can’t say “This is too much, mom, can we go to the park instead?”. I have to pull you away. I have to hide. I have to run away. 

When our brain’s pathways don’t work right, we lean on our bodily feelings and our nervous tendencies to lead us in certain ways. We’re not stupid! We are actually probably far more in tune with ourselves than when we do use words. You know how crazy we look when we play those games where we can’t use words? Our nonwordy friends live like that – and yes, people a lot of times look at them as if they’re crazy. Yet they aren’t – they’re typically masters at it. They’re just trying to teach us how to understand them, and we aren’t very patient. 

Take off your labels – take off the glasses of loud noise is wrong. Hitting things is terribly rude. Moaning just sounds weird! Just listen. Just watch. Perhaps you’ll know exactly what they’re saying. And now you’ve made a new friend.