Holidays – The “Special” Kind

The Holidays as a Mom- Different than What I Expected

As I’ve crossed passed childhood and into adulthood in the past 10 years, it has become clear to me that holidays seem to carry grief and hardship more than joy and peace. This obviously is a general statement, and it is limited to my own perspective, but I do think it is true for many.

In my early adult life, the holidays carried regret and memories – now, I look back at that and I feel sad that I let those things carry me down and control my emotions. This may in fact be in relation to the new perspective I have – the perspective as a special needs mom.

Holidays in a special needs family is completely different in so many ways. Symptoms come around, families can’t come always, breaks need to be taken, calls still need to be made – there is no “off” or “break”. For me, it almost feels like there is more to do and think of. 

Yet I’m determined – I’m determined to not allow the holidays to bring me down, but to define the grief, and to begin my journey of healing and adapting in this area as well.

Adapting Expectations

When I first got pregnant I remember thinking “Wow, by next year my toddler will be running around the christmas tree!” Little did I know, my child wouldn’t even be able to sit up let alone run. Family couldn’t come since that’s simply too much for Paige – and my christmas day was full of tears, the food pump beeping because of errors, and a life that did not meet my expectations.

Sometimes its not about lowering expectations but focusing on the more important ones. We have the ability to learn many lessons during the holiday season – it is a time to reflect and change. Yet so often I tend to dwell on the other things, the physical temporary things, like sweets and food and seeing siblings I haven’t seen in a while. Those things are wonderful, yet they may not last.

With Paige, I’ve been learning the joy of little things – the fact that to her, Christmas day is no different. She still has the same challenges and joys – she is not weighted down with all of the things I am. She doesn’t care if I get her gifts or not (she’s too little to!) and it doesn’t bother her that she can’t run around the christmas tree. Those are only my expectations that I’ve placed on her life – they are only decreasing my ability to find joy.

The solution, therefore, is to see the world as she sees it – to take advantage of what we can do, what we do have – to be content, and to adapt our expectations to one that is realistic in our life.

Be Gracious to Yourself

There tends to be regular mom guilt – then the special needs mom guilt. Two different categories but with very similar things, just different ways we get onto ourselves. Yes, it is good to work on overcoming our sadness’s – we shouldn’t dwell on the same things over and over again. Yet, grieving is a part of the healing process. Allow yourself to take moments to grieve your child’s limitations – then take a breath, and adjust. Adjust to this new life, and see the beauty God has given your life. No matter what the circumstance, there is always something to be thankful for.

Tips for Emotional Wellbeing During the Holidays

• Journal

There is absolutely no harm in writing down every grief you have – if you don’t have support in your community you can vent to, vent to the Lord – vent to the piece of paper. Let it go, one word at a time. This is why I write poetry – it allows me an outlet for all of the feelings I don’t want to carry with me all the day. It’s a safe place for myself.

• Allow yourself to cry

Many times during the holidays I will sit in my car and cry – this may sound super depressing but honestly, sometimes the car is the only alone time people can have. There is no shame in crying – in fact, it helps your body to let go and let down defenses. When we are defensive and covering up our feelings, it will come out in some way like passivity, apathy, or aggression – tears are a better way of letting go of our emotions.

• Do Something just for you

I’m part of a family who doesn’t enjoy the movie “Its a wonderful life” Yet, it brings me joy to watch it on Christmas day. So I make time – whether its while I’m cooking at dawn or getting the house ready, I take the time to do something cheerful for myself. If your joy is going shopping or going and getting that peppermint milkshake, remember to do something that makes you smile amidst a life that may not meet your expectations. 

Conclusion

Having a “special” needs child is difficult, yes. But they also make everything special, and that is something we can take advantage of instead of mourn. The beauty of your child tasting that chocolate – even if you have to wipe it out of their mouth – is still beauty. The joy of having your child with you, in a hospital or at home, instead of the grief of saying goodbye to a loved one – that is beauty, too. I am not in your life, but I can guarantee you there will be joy – special joys – you just have to look.

Happy “Special” New Year!