How to Talk to Someone Suffering

When a friend or loved one – or even a stranger – is going through something you’ve never experienced, it can be extremely difficult to know what to say. It is a really hard question, but I thought I would share from my personal experience things that I believe may help. This will not be the same for everyone! I will most likely use personal terms to describe things so it won’t be confusing 🙂 

Just a note on my side as well. I have the responsibility to give the benefit of the doubt and to be understanding, even if I’m suffering. Suffering does not exclude me from the need to be Christlike. Suffering is supposed to humble me, not make it all about me. I am accountable for responding and loving, even if someone says something that hurts me. That is what love is all about. 

Avoid Asking because “That’s the thing to do”

Be on guard of the tendency to ask someone how they are because “that’s the thing to do”. You may have heard our name in the prayer list and need to cross it off the list (I’m guilty of that!) – but in fact you don’t know anything about what actually is happening, and you haven’t taken the time to understand.

We have a friend who literally looked up the diagnosis for Paige, spoke to my parents about it, and tried his best to get a glimpse of what life with Paige would be like.

Another thing that may happen along these lines is forgetting what the person is going through, but needing to ask about another topic. For example, you want to make plans in a week but remembered my dad just died – you feel like you have to ask how I’m doing with that, before you go on to ask me your real motive. I recommend waiting, remembering the others grief, then coming back with a clear head. I have done that to others before, and now that I’m in the recipient’s shoes I regret it immensely. (don’t worry, my dad is actually alive and well)

Instead, make the purpose of your call or text because you genuinely want to know how I am doing. Nothing else matters to me – I could very well be on the edge of a mental breakdown, and making plans for next week is not even present in my mind or heart. So, when you go up to someone who is suffering, realize that most likely they are struggling even getting through that day – things that were important before, are not even on the agenda for the next year (in their minds). They are just trying to make it through. 

Be Careful with “How are you?”

As I just mentioned before, when I am suffering I typically am not even concerned about whether or not I took a shower today. I don’t know what I ate for breakfast. I have no idea if I need help or not. I honestly don’t care about ME. I can’t think, because I’m in shock and all my energy is going to my daughter. When you confront someone suffering, try and think of what they are actually going through, and then make it 10 times worse in your head. Don’t ask them “How are you?” – if your daughter is dying in a hospital bed, is it necessary for someone to ask how you are? It is something they should already know! You are feeling terrible and your heart is being ripped out. 

Asking “how are you” is a question, in my opinion, that can only create a negative feeling in the person you’re trying to comfort. By not asking it, you’re creating a space where that person feels safe – because they recognize you already know they’re not doing good at all. 

Try Not to Ask Too Many Questions

When Paige was in the ICU, especially at the very beginning, I was rehashing her story about 20 times a day. I was answering questions from how she nurses to if she moved a lot during pregnancy. I was asked if I noticed anything weird, or if she opened her eyes today. In the medical space, questions are asked ALL DAY. There is such a thing called “Medical PTSD” and when you are in the hospital 24 hours straight, things like a phone ring or knock on the door can set you on edge. 

Therefore, the least amount of questions you can ask – the better. As I said before, you can assume that things are awful – and then proceed with caution. If things are wonderful, you will know in the first five minutes of the conversation! You are saving me from having to reiterate all of the painful things about my daughter that I’ve had to rehash all day long. You are giving me the choice of sharing, vs. feeling like I have to explain a bunch just to have a conversation with you. I personally want to talk to you – I just won’t be able to very long if it’s just a bunch of questions – I will become fatigued very quickly.

My husband, John, would write a summary of Paige’s care about every 2 weeks or so. Then, people would forward it to all the ones that were interested. That was an easier way for us to communicate,  even though some people had to wait, simply because it saved us from unnecessary pain. If you don’t understand what I just said, maybe take mental notes in your head and then google them later – you’re saving me from having to explain a painful event or symptom, and putting the burden on you instead since you’re more capable of doing it without causing trauma. 

Consider texting to give me a break – that tactic has helped me in the past help someone else. 

Allow Me to be the Emotional One 

This is a hard one, and again let me just say this is only for me – I am not saying this is for everyone. It is something to consider, however, when you’re talking to someone who is suffering. 

Many times I choose not to share with someone, because I know it’ll be hard for them to hear. They will break down or be overcome with sighs, deep breaths, and “I just can’t even imagine”. For me personally, this has been a very difficult thing for me. The people I share with are the ones who actually are able to laugh with me about that tiny thing that day, or are simply listening as I explain how Paige is quadriplegic. 

A good way to think of it is to match my emotions – if I am crying, you can be a tad more emotional – if I am smiling and acting as if quadriplegia is just a day to day thing, then treat it as if your child was teething and how you would respond to that.

 If I am smiling but you are crying, more than likely I am trying to make YOU feel better. In the end, you haven’t been able to comfort me. It would be easy for me to avoid sharing with you, simply because I don’t want to hurt you! I love you, and I don’t want to burden you with the normalcy of trauma in my life. 

Concluding Thoughts

When someone is suffering, they need a safe place to share – a place where they aren’t bombarded with questions that cause them to relive hard things of the day. A place where they don’t have to comfort you. A place where they are allowed to feel whatever they need to feel – anger, heartbreak, fear – and you simply listen. Here are some things I’ve tried to do when I see someone else suffering:

• Let it sink in – I don’t rush up to them as soon as I hear the news (for example, an announcement at church or something)- I know everyone else will be, but I want to really let it sink in and think about what they’re going through before I go up to them.
• Be Normal & Follow their Lead– Just give them a normal greeting like “Hey there” without being too hyper – they don’t need that type of energy! Just say hey, maybe give a hug or pat their shoulder, and if they want to continue talking, they will. Follow their lead.
• Find Joy – If they laugh about something, I’ll laugh too and maybe ask a follow up question. They may need to be distracted, and they just gave me a way to help that. 
• Just Help – Don’t Ask – Say you’ll do something to help, like “I’ll watch your child while you go to that apt” or “I’ll text you some money to get food”. Most likely as I said before, they’re not thinking about food or money – but that’s just something small you can do. Don’t make them decide between this and that, because they’re already trying to make huge decisions in their head.
• Listen, No matter what – Offer to be a listening ear. Welcome any of their emotions. If they’re angry, make them feel safe – be the person they can be angry with on the phone. Offer that to them, make them know you can be safe. 
• Don’t be afraid of suffering – Don’t be afraid of suffering yourself. Realize its a part of everyone’s journey, and you could very well be suffering yourself soon. That’s not to be dramatic or gloomy, it just helps perspective. 

The things I’ve mentioned above aren’t perfect, but since suffering has brought me a lot of clarity, the above statements have helped me to comfort others. I don’t have to go through what they’re going through to be a safe place. It just takes time and effort. 

Love is the most powerful comforter. Even if you ask too many questions out of habit and sincerity, if you are loving, then it may not be too much for them. Let love overcome all – let humility and sympathy be your driver. Make it about them, not about you. Love as Christ loved, and talking to someone suffering will help you see the cross even clearer.