Why I Published “My Diary” (Good Pastures!)

Many people pick up my book, begin to read, then quickly stop – they come to me and say “I feel like I’m reading your diary! How do you feel comfortable with me reading this??” The question seems funny to me, since it’s already passed the publishing stage – I had already thought very deeply about why I wanted to share.

My life expectation never included being a prose author. I am a business woman and mama – I do numbers, I change diapers. I have never thought of myself as creative, let alone a poet! Yet life happens – and sometimes the ways we cope happen to become a creative outlet.

The Story Behind My First Poem

My first poem, “A Hole in My Heart” was written 6 months after I lost my first baby. My baby’s heart stopped beating at 7.5 weeks, yet my body thought the baby was fine. I had to induce labor at 15 weeks to help my body miscarry. I was a mama of a live child for 13 weeks, or so I thought – I remember wailing in the doctors office, not believing that my motherly instinct had actually been right. I had lost my precious one, the one who first knew I was its mama.

6 months later, in May of 2022, I felt my daughter Paige flutter for the first time. Normally, waves of excitement wash over you – giggles transcend, people are called – but that wasn’t the experience for me. Instead, I was having trouble keeping the tears back – since my first baby never got to flutter. I never felt it move.

Before I know it, I’m writing about the meaningful things in my life like “My Coffee” and “My Happy Place”. I write about how I feel with my daughter in my womb, how I am “A Thoughtful Person”. Before I know it, my daughter is born, yet I didn’t have the birth I wanted – I look in the mirror at my c-section scar, take off the bandages, and write “Scar”.

I use my words to express my thoughts to myself. I can’t always cry, and I can’t always verbalize my thoughts to somebody else. I have to simply write – and then, when I write the last line, I feel relief. I feel peace.

The Beginning of “Dr. Mom”

Little did I know, my 9 week old daughter would stop breathing. That morning in the hospital – I was in shock. My little baby was attached to wires, drugs were pumping through her system, and my arms longed to hold her. Tears wouldn’t come, I simply had to write. “Dr. Mom” was written the second time my girl stopped breathing – nobody could tell she was quadriplegic except for me. They started calling me “Dr. Mom” and even let me read my poem during rounds.

A Place to Feel My Deepest Heartaches

I still write – I write when I cannot cry. I write to somehow express feelings I can’t explain sitting across from you at the table. I write, to help me cope. Next year, Lord willing, I will publish my second volume – “A Sea of Clouds”.

Why did I publish? Because I know others have these feelings too – but they may not know how to share. So, maybe my words can help somebody else. My emotions can help someone else know they’re alone. Yes, it’s part of my diary – but the more we keep hidden, the less we can heal.

“Good Pastures” is my place to feel my deepest heartaches. And maybe one or two poems, can help you feel too.