First Steps

A challenging aspect in having a developmentally delayed child is seeing other children thrive, reaching milestones at the standard rate or even faster. For me, I get so used to Paige and her abilities that it’s like I’m in a little bubble – a bubble that pops as soon as I see the other children her age, or far younger, doing things that are impossible for her today. I defend her, explain why she can’t, then of course over compensate by saying what she CAN do so people don’t think she’s weird or strange (I’m simply explaining my thought process as a mother, this doesn’t mean anyone actually thinks she’s strange!). I’ve realized, however, that doing so in ear shot of my sweet girl could end in her feeling as though she’s not enough, her milestones aren’t as important as the other children, and her mother is disappointed in her. My grief over her disorder may in fact lead her to think I don’t love her for who she is.

Another challenge too is not resenting other parents – or maybe its not resentment, its some sort of pride or bitterness. Honestly, I don’t know how to define it. There’s this underlying attitude of “You have no idea how good you have it” or “Do you even realize how amazing it is they can sit up?” or “Why are you complaining that you can’t keep up with them? I wish I could catch my girl from running away!” What this attitude usually does is it separates me from other parents. It makes me think I’m better in some way, or that the other parents don’t have challenges as bad as mine. I can confidently say these are thoughts from the devil, since he is the father of lies. These are all lies. Other parents have been through severe trials I cannot imagine – they deal with things I don’t have to, because Paige is delayed. Our challenges our different, and the only thing that can bind us together is love and humility. That conquers all lies.

In my journey over the past year since Paige’s diagnosis, I have been blessed with friends and family who cherish Paige – at every single level. They share their children’s milestones with me, and understand if it does make me cry – they allow me to vent my sadness, and then we end in laughing about their child learning to walk. We can then have a conversation about struggles they encounter now that their child is walking, and I can try to relate in some way. Finding a common struggle in these situations is vital for my personal mental health and rebuking the lies. Paige gets everywhere in her crib – she knows how to roll and get stuck everywhere! That same frustration I feel is the same one others feel with their children running everywhere. I can now empathize, and enjoy a conversation with a friend. I am no longer separated – we are bound, and we are walking this road – even though on different lanes and routes – together.

God is teaching me the joy of parenthood – far be it from me to take that blessing and turn it into a comparison of other parents blessings, separating myself from beautiful opportunities of friendship, and allowing bitterness to take root in my heart. There is so much beauty in every milestone our children take – let’s remember how to rejoice, no matter how small the milestone is.

This is the poem I wrote when my best friends son began walking – he’s 18 days older than my sweet girl. It captures some of my emotions when seeing another child’s milestones, and how I circle back to the truth.

He took his first steps, 

Just a few moments ago.

I smile – I shed a tear of joy or two 

And then I glance, to see my girl too 

She can’t hold herself up yet –

She can’t even crawl.

My joy turned into immense sorrow 

My heart hurts more than you know 

I don’t think of her steps very often…

I am so consumed with her life 

I prayed this morning…

“Please don’t take her from me this year –

She has so many things to do”

I wonder sometimes –

Do others pray the same way too?

Don’t fret, sweet mother 

It’s ok to be sad 

There are moments like these,

Moments of immense grief

But instead use them for immense joy –

Joy for your friend,

And joy for every first step your sweet one takes.