I’ve Been Here Before

One of the lines from Lord of the Rings is Frodo (or Sam, can’t remember – not THAT kind of fan!) saying “We’ve been here before! We’re going in circles!” and the utter dismay of knowing that the days they’ve travelled had all been a waste. In the last two days, I’ve experienced the “I’ve been here before” feeling – it lurches me into fear, worry – anxiety tries to rear its ugly head but I really work to fight that one down. The biggest thing to do in that moment is to make sure that I don’t end up like Frodo and Sam – going in a circle.

A year and a month ago, John and I were living in a hotel – probably the 12^th hotel room we had been in. Paige was in the Transitional Intensive Care Unit at Texas Children’s hospital. She was diagnosed, she had the tracheostomy, and we had the knowledge to go home and take care of her. Yet, the system was “against us” you could say – after blessing us with coverage for the last two months, insurance didn’t want to cover a medical flight back to Maryland, our home. We were literally stuck – the doctors were stuck. We couldn’t be discharged in Houston, but we couldn’t transport Paige on a regular flight. I remember calling companies like Flying Angels, trying to figure out a price – it would cost us about $25,000 to safely fly our girl home.

We were in this position for about two weeks. We were stuck – we were in limbo. We were out of control, as we had been for the past two months, but even more so now because there wasn’t even a path forward. These were the days I had trouble praying – I was so confused; I didn’t know why God wouldn’t intervene on our behalf. I was in limbo – I was out of control.

Today, I sit in an Airbnb – a house that’s not our own. Our own home is emptied out – the place where we grew, we learned trials, we were tempted – Paige grew in my womb, then she grew as a baby. We transitioned from an average couple with dreams and plans, to a medical team – the ones who’ve done CPR, changed trachs, lived in hospitals – we are not the John and Sylvia we used to be. And now, we don’t have the home we had for four years.

So, here I sit – I’m in limbo. My girl is safe as of this very moment, but that could change in an instant. I am dwelling on the little things – the fact my coffee is still warm in a to go – the strength of my girl, who despite so much pain and paralysis in the last two days, she finds joy in little things like her makeshift bed – she’s not complaining, she’s adapting. God has given her the ability to completely trust her parents to keep her safe.

God kept me safe a year ago. He is my parent. He was patient with me when I was struggling to even talk to Him. He watches us from afar, and He saw the big picture. He gave us the strength to take one minute at a time, to get us to the point where we are not just John and Sylvia – we are the ones who know how to take care of Paige. We have grown – we have become better. All because He didn’t turn His face from me. Instead, He showered abundant blessings on our heads, over and over, until here I sit – thanking Him for taking us this far, to getting us to the point we feel we need to be.

So again, here I sit. I’ve been here before. I’ve been of control before, and I struggled to trust. But God proved Himself to me – He showed me that He is trustworthy. I can count on Him. Therefore, the devil will lose this time – He won’t make me afraid; He won’t take my joy from me. God is the one who holds us in His hand, and He will make sure we don’t go in circles. He will make sure we arrive at our destination safely – whether in this life, or in the life to come.