Rescue Plan

In epilepsy patients, or complex care patients, it is typical to have a “rescue plan”. This rescue plan is made available to the entire team, meds are put in place, and that rescue plan is initiated when an emergency occurs. A rescue plan can save someone’s life – many times, drastic measures are taken – what you normally would do is thrown out the window, because you’re only objective is to save a life. 

I have a rescue plan. But I don’t have epilepsy – I don’t have a complex disability. But, I do have a brain – and I am a child of God. Therefore, I have another kind of attack – the kind where the devil takes advantage of my vulnerability, and throws me into an emergency situation. 

This, for me, normally is a subtle shift in my mental state. It’s nothing drastic. It’s not like in the movies where all the sudden all doors are locked and police surround a house, begging the occupant to get out before someone gets hurt. No, many times in my life, it’s not this dramatic. I’m not calling a suicide hotline, I’m not needing to be put in a ward. Yet, its just as dangerous – its just all in my head. This is what I call “My dark place”. 

I experience negative thoughts first – telling me I didn’t work enough today. I didn’t eat healthy enough. I’m a bad mother. I should’ve done this for my husband but I didn’t. I probably won’t make it to heaven, I’m such a sinner. And so it goes. Then, it feeds into my actions – I can’t sit still all the sudden. I’m filling every minute with an action, even if it’s wandering around the house thinking I’m being productive. I work, but it’s inefficient. I spend 30 minutes overthinking a client email, thinking I’m the worst bookkeeper and I’ll lose everything by the end of the week. I overcompensate with my girl – I do everything I may not have had time for, I push my girl too much sometimes because I feel guilty about the days I didn’t practice feeding with her, or I didn’t practice sitting up with her. Because I’m so restless, I get tired easily. My dreams become super realistic. I toss and turn all night, then get up at 4:30 because I just can’t go back to sleep.

In the late morning, I climb in bed – thinking it’s a power nap. But then, I can’t get out. I can’t move. I can’t get myself to go take care of my girl. I don’t want to call my husband, I don’t want to bother him. This is my fault, I’ll take care of myself. 

This, my friends, is my emergency. I know it. At this point, when I’m in bed, its happened so many times I know myself – I can see clearly now. This isn’t me, this is me being attacked. This is the devil trying to tell me I can’t do it, I’m not good enough, and God isn’t powerful enough to save me. So, I initiate my rescue plan. I’m sharing this simply because I don’t believe realistic things like this are spoken of enough – it’s hard to talk about it, but I know I’m not the only one.  I hope my little list helps one of you. 

1. Listen to my favorite song – for me, it could be Blue Eyes Blue by Eric Clapton, which reminds me of my dad. It could be Into The West, the song I grew up hearing on the Lord of the Rings credits with my best friends, and the song I played for Paige while I was pregnant with her. 
2. Start moving – Move my leg first, tell myself to just move – I’m not paralyzed, its a lie. Just pretend! Fake getting out of bed! Think of your coffee in the next room! Boom –  sometimes it works. If it doesn’t…
   1. Take advantage of my maternal instinct – if Paige needs something, sometimes I will get up without thinking about it. I just try and pay attention to when I’m getting up, focus on myself walking, and whatever the task is. I can’t lose myself again. 
   2. I personally record memos of myself giving pep talks to myself when i’m having a good day. I tend not to believe anyone else, I think they’re just “saying that” since they don’t know my darkest moments. Well, if I’m saying it to myself, it’s hard to ignore! 
   3. I’m too polite to have someone wait at the door – so, order a pizza or text a friend. Even if I’m not strong enough to talk, I may end up opening the door just because I’m sweet. 
3. Make Dunkin Donuts hazelnut coffee  – coffee symbolizes a lot for me – I know its just a beverage, but I’m telling you, its the little things for me. . It symbolizes growing up, seeing my mom drink coffee and read her Bible. The smell makes me happy, and I love hearing the coffee maker. It simply is one of my favorite things. 
4. Read Psalm 139 – This psalm was what I read when I lost my first baby, and it’s what I read sitting next to Paige who was intubated at 9 weeks old. God is there – no matter how thick the darkness is. I may not be able to pray, but I can read. 
5. Make List – while I’m drinking coffee, I just start writing a list of things I could potentially do right now. More often than not, my habit will be to then begin thinking of how I could do those things.. And before I know it, I’m washing dishes. Washing dishes is great – you spend time focusing on it and before you know it, you’ve forgotten what was ailing you. Cleaning something also releases endorphins – so does crossing off a list! 
6. Tell My Person – at this point, normally I’m not paralyzed – yes, I’m still in my danger zone, but I’m out of bed. I am doing something. Now, I get to tell my man – it may literally only be “I’m in my dark place” and I feel better – sometimes I need to tell more than just him, simply because we process differently, but even still, he is my person – and I’m thankful for him.

This is just the rescue – this is just the beginning. I was in my “dark place” for probably a week just a few days ago – that’s when I started this post. Now, I’m on the tail end – I feel like myself again. But it’s taken a lot of work to get from there to here. The good thing is, every time it happens – I can handle it better and better. God has given me so many blessings to work through every dark moment in my life, and most of all, as Paige and I pray every morning “He has given us a life with no AHC” or in my mind, “A life with no dark place”.

It’s ok if you need a rescue plan. You’re human, we live in a broken world. Don’t be ashamed – it’s OK. The Psalmist needed rescuing, Christ needed strengthening, and the Lord has never turned His back in any instance – He has always been my rescue plan