An Unexpected Medication: Grief
This title will certainly get your attention – yet I didn’t choose it because I’m creative or want an audience – it’s because the truth in it hit me like a brick. This is why.
I have been on anti-anxiety/depression meds twice now. Both times when grief struck – and struck hard. Anxiety had its way with me, since that is how my mind “handles,” or rather “doesn’t handle,” stress or grief. I decided to go on meds to get me through the hump. Here is a short summary of what medicine did for me.
The medicine took away my self-criticism. I no longer sat and thought of all my regrets, the guilt I carry, or the doubts of my heavenly home. I felt God’s love greater than before. I felt his mercy. I felt his grace.
I wasn’t worried… I even forgot some of my type A personality routines while medicated, simply because my mind could finally have a break. I brushed my teeth after I washed my face instead of before. I showered later instead of earlier. I was not bound to my own rules. One day, I completely forgot to go to the grocery store for my husband. Normally, I would feel bad and apologize relentlessly, then proceed to stress about the time lost because of my mistake. Before, a mistake like this would ruin my entire day. But this Sylvia on meds simply laughed about it and then jumped in the car and went to the store. She didn’t even wonder if it would affect her day one way or another.
Long story short, the medicine freed me of all the parts of routine that became distractions. The things our minds become bound to, when they’re really not helpful. They’re not important. They drag us down.
When I lost my first baby from a miscarriage, I didn’t worry about anything else. All of my past worries seemed so stupid. I sat there, wailing for my baby. I wanted to hold him (to this day I think it was a boy!). I wanted to see what he looked like. My baby was taken, and I couldn’t get him back – I would do anything to get him back! My days’ to-do list suddenly became like nothing, as time seemed to stop. I felt God’s love – I was in the darkest place, and He was there. I felt his mercy. I felt his grace. I forgot things, and simply didn’t care.
When I held my girl, who wasn’t breathing, and I didn’t know if she’d make it, anything regarding work was nothing to me. The way someone made me feel – who cared? That sin keeping me from God’s perfect plan – nonexistent. When faced with the possible death of someone I loved, I would have given my whole life – everything I cared about – to take her out of that place. I didn’t feel bad if I wasn’t hugging that specific person in that specific moment, or saying the right thing then and there – all that mattered was my girl. All that mattered was her breath.
Now, my husband and I deal with a “minute to minute” life. Meaning, Paige could go from completely normal to apneic and paralyzed. We never know if she’ll come through it. We don’t know if she’ll even come through it the same girl as before. So, the days when she’s good – the to-do list can wait. That phone call can wait. I hold my girl and gaze at her! I gaze at her smile, I gaze at her eyes. Nothing else matters – my worries disappear.
Grief is my antidepressant. It forces me to focus on the important things. For the first time last week, I woke up feeling thankful that my daughter had this disorder. Why? Because I’m more prepared for heaven. I feel God’s love more. He has put me through this trial, and He has refined me like fire.
